So what’s the best way get laid at Hedonism ll in Negril, Jamaica, one of the world’s most notoriously sensual resorts?

I’m just back from there and, as a public service, consider it my bounden duty to reveal some of its secrets.

For me and most other women single or partnered, of course, getting laid is easy.

We simply turn up, take our clothes off, and head for the nude beach, bar and pool. There we find a whole bunch of naked people, many of whom are ready, willing and eager to do the jig-jig thing with us at any hour of the day or night.

Some will already be practicing varieties of jig-jig, reasonably discreetly, in the pool or the Fornicatorium grotto, just off to Delroy’s bar.

Not so easy for single guys though.

In spite of the rumours that Hedo ll is one endless bacchanal to which all comers are welcome and the sins of the flesh are celebrated indiscriminately, most single men at Hedo don’t get laid at all. Instead, they just dangle around the bar for the week drinking desperately and looking sadly  lonely.

They don’t get it that most women who go to Hedo are coupled and are therefore, if they’re looking to play, likely inclined to do it only with other couples. Also, that there are usually a lot more single men than women at Hedo.

If single guys want to get laid (and I don’t know any who don’t), Hedo has strict unwritten rules.

RULE #1:  BE MODERATE. Don’t swallow too much free booze or smoke too much of the murderous ganja (available everywhere). The combination not only turns off potential sex partners, it also leads to the dreaded and highly inconvenient dangle. (Sing…“and his dingle, dongle dangled to the dust”).

RULE #2:  DON'T BE PUSHY. Women make almost all the decisions at Hedo. If she’s interested, she’ll let you know. Erect nipples and naked booby hugs (NBHs) are considered positive signs.

RULE #3:  JOIN IN THE ACTIVITIES. I met one of the best-endowed and long-lasting men of my considerable experience under 100 feet of warm Hedo sea. You might feel like an idiot playing endless bocce on the sand. Or sliding naked, drunk and stoned down the water slide at midnight (hold your nostrils tight and keep your legs together). Or joining other guests in the silly competitions designed to make you look more than usually foolish, in the main dining room. But joining in is a fine way to meet women.

RULE #4:  JOIN A GROUP BEFORE YOU GO. You may have to pay a small fee but it’s worth it. If you go with a group you’ll likely get a discount and sometimes the group hat and towel which identify you as family in all the acres of naked flesh. The groups have the best parties (use your imagination) to which non-group members simply aren’t invited. Among Hedo groups are Jon’s Fluffernutters (I’m a member), Wet, Wild and Wicked, Bubbly Bares, Biff’s Bunch (motto: Excess in Moderation), and Traveling Bares. They’re all Hedophiles, all sybarites and, like me, all dedicated to unendurable pleasure, infinitely prolonged.

If you’re a horny single male and follow my rules, I can’t guarantee you’ll get laid. But I can pretty well guarantee that if you don’t, you’ll stay a Hedovirgin the whole time you’re there.

So come on down and maybe we’ll meet sometime around Delroy’s bar. I’ll be the middle-aged, single, streaked-blonde with the 36 DD boobs drinking banana daiquiris and smiling a lot.

(Samantha Jones is the author of the erotic, feminist memoir "My Life In The Great Sexual Window" available through www.lulu.com and Amazon.)